Bitterness, Narcissism and the Beach Boys

I was up for a while last night. First of all, I was hungry, second of all, I was angry...yes, in that order. I am on the fence about many things in life right now. I am over worked, under appreciated and way under paid. I come home numb from an exhausting day of emotional abuse. While not too long ago I was able to take it with a grain of sand, I can't hide my frustrations any longer. I'm tired of the wealthy, upper class Narcissists who thrive on success. I'm tired of being too tired to really engage my son. I don't want to be a mindless mom who gets angry when Izze cries because I am too drained emotionally and physically to deal with it.
Don't get me wrong, I am thankful that I have a job....but its not worth what I'm put through on a daily basis. My paycheck doesn't cover the bills and right now we need it to. our We need it to because people have given up on Jeff and he is a damn fine bass player. But, they have called others to take his place. Seems like this happens too often in the music business. I hate it. It makes me boil. It makes me want to ask "why?" why can't we be successful too? Why can't we have the same kind of life that our peers lead? Our parents didn't pay for our college, or our house, or our cars and because we have struggled to make it on our own, we are punished? Because we don't come from monatary wealth, we must go through abuse at our jobs, because we are not handed things, we suffer?! I'm sick about it and I don't need to be. I need to stay calm and nurture this little life inside of me...I just don't understand things sometimes, but then, I guess that I'm not meant to. I have given up on Mankind.
So many places, mainly factories here in Tennessee are laying people off. why? becuase profits are down? Or because the rich want to get richer? I think that its funny that certain people I work with think that they are giving people, when in fact they are some of the most selfish people I have ever met in my life. But, then again, this life here on earth is nothing but a rat race to see who can make the most money, have the biggest house, the nicest car and we loose touch with reality and the things that really matter, like spending time with family and friends. I hate money. I hate it because I need it to get the things I need and the things I want. And, then I hate it even more because I work so long and hard to get it so that I can get the things I need...and I miss out on precious moments with my family and friends. Money is an evil thing.
That's the root of my anger these days.

On to a more cheery subject ...well, kind of. A radio station here in Nashville has already started playing non-stop Christmas music. I love it! I heard a Beach Boys Christmas song on the radio last night on my way home and I laughed out loud. The Beach Boys suck! The only good thing about them is that their songs are short. The genius behind Brian Wilson is nothing more than drug abuse and nonsense.

Christmas is bittersweet to me...maybe that's part of my frustration right now too. Christmas for me means death. My father died 7 years ago on December 19th. I miss him. My ache for him is much deeper than I can ever express. I sometimes wish I could ache for the Lord like I do for my daddy. I seek that everyday. I am hoping that by having kids and starting our own family traditions that Christmas will be joyous again to me, but then I think about how my dad never got to meet his first grandchild and how I wish he could see him and see just how much he looks like him. As the years go on...it gets harder.

This is the end of my blog for today. I have exhausted myself writing it and I need to regain strength to get through the day.
Life's a bitch...let's just leave it at that and move on. I do feel somewhat better now. Helps to vent a little. Christmas for me this year = more credit card debt. Who the fuck cares anymore?
I'm beging to feel like I'm over it.

On a plus side, we find out the gender of this new Irwin in 3 weeks. I've been having intense dreams that its a girl...probably means its another boy. So far, I have abosultely love having a boy. Isreal is so funny and he makes me laugh everyday. He's a smart kid and while he's still pretty tiny, he is mighty!

Today is a new day! I have vented and I feel much better. Tomorrow will be an even better day. Its supossed to be cold tomorrow and maybe I should turn the heat on in our house. I don't like cold feet.

Amy -Out